January Retreat-- Andhra Pradesh
Well I'm finally back in Alwaye, for better or worse. I spent the last two weeks traveling Andhra Pradesh with the other volunteers and visiting Alicia in Bangalore.
Pretty much the entire month of January was really tough-- I was feeling lonely, alienated, frustrated, and overly critical of myself. It's hard being completely alone; being constantly on display in a place where everyone wants to get to know you but no one can possibly understand you. It's exhausting trying to live up to so many different sets of expectations that are all at odds with one another-- Achen has one set of expectations for me, the college has another, and I have completely different ones. And disappointing people by failing to live up to these expectations invariably causes me to judge myself very harshly. Not a good scene.
So it's always extremely comforting when I get on a train with the other YAVs and hear them talking about their own struggles which so closely mirror my own. It's a nice reminder that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one going through this shit. And it means that there's not something wrong with me. Our retreats are a very valuable time for all of us. I think we would all have whacked out months ago if not for the monthly opportunity to spend time with people who very intimately understand what we're going through and can relate to our feelings and struggles.
But our retreats are never "retreats" in the sense of fleeing from the field of battle. They are calculated exposure programmes that are designed to bring us into closer contact and educate us about the social issues facing different parts of India (since none of us get that at our placements). So from the 24th-31st of January, we traveled all around the state of Andhra Pradesh with a group from the Sacramento Presbytery who are part of the Presbyterian Hunger Program's Joining Hands Against Hunger program. They were pretty cool people, and it was nice to be around other Americans. It was also funny to be around them and to get to have some template against which to see how "Indian" we've become. It was also nice to travel with them because it was obvious that they were being wooed by Chethana for more money, and thus we were being put up in some extremely luxurious hotels with air conditioning, TV, hot showers, swimming pools (never mind that they weren't filled), and room service, and being treated to gorgeous meals with complimentary wine and beer.
But this was also the cause of some discomfort for me. The whole thing smacked of a Chethana (and more specifically, a BIRDS) sales pitch. Chethana, the South Indian branch of Joining Hands Against Hunger, is a blanket organization that provides funding and support for the 19 organizations that fall under it. Achen is one of Chethana's chairpersons, along with Paul Rajarao and a dude named Jacob. Paul and Jacob are also the heads of BIRDS (Bharati Integrated Rural Development Society), one of the organizations in Chethana. So there's a bit of vested interest there. And it was they who were leading this programme and treating us to all these lavish luxuries.
During the day, we would visit different villages learning about the evil MNC's and corrupt governments depriving these noble poor people of land and livelihoods and then we'd hear about the heroic efforts of BIRDS to restore their dignity and teach them to fight for their rights. And then we'd get back in ou air conditioned SUV's and go back to our air conditioned hotels and eat until we couldn't see anymore, take a hot shower, and go to sleep in our big, soft beds.
Maybe I'm just feeling antagonistic, but something about the whole thing didn't, and still doesn't sit right with me. Maybe it's the fact that the struggles of the poor and oppressed are being put on display and being strategically deployed to raise money for these organizations. But when I think about it, is there really anything wrong with that? Chethana and BIRDS are doing some really great work, and surely they deserve support to keep that work going. And so what if Paul seems like a fast talking, charming salesman-- the kind of guy who would be selling you a used Chevy in another life? If those are the gifts he's been given, what's wrong with him using them to do this good work?
Maybe I'm just overly critical of others because I'm again at a point where I'm doubting the value of my work and presence here. Maybe it's that I think we should keep our left hand from knowing what our right is doing when we are serving and this all seemed a little ostentatious and self-aggrandizing to me. Maybe I'm just a crank who needs to find fault with everything. I don't know.
Regardless, something about our travels in AP just didn't sit right with me. I'm grateful for all the things we learned and for the opportunity to interact with people who are working to address the systemic inequalities and injustices endemic here. I just feel like there could have been a more... I don't know, genuine... way to do it.
Well I'm finally back in Alwaye, for better or worse. I spent the last two weeks traveling Andhra Pradesh with the other volunteers and visiting Alicia in Bangalore.
Pretty much the entire month of January was really tough-- I was feeling lonely, alienated, frustrated, and overly critical of myself. It's hard being completely alone; being constantly on display in a place where everyone wants to get to know you but no one can possibly understand you. It's exhausting trying to live up to so many different sets of expectations that are all at odds with one another-- Achen has one set of expectations for me, the college has another, and I have completely different ones. And disappointing people by failing to live up to these expectations invariably causes me to judge myself very harshly. Not a good scene.
So it's always extremely comforting when I get on a train with the other YAVs and hear them talking about their own struggles which so closely mirror my own. It's a nice reminder that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one going through this shit. And it means that there's not something wrong with me. Our retreats are a very valuable time for all of us. I think we would all have whacked out months ago if not for the monthly opportunity to spend time with people who very intimately understand what we're going through and can relate to our feelings and struggles.
But our retreats are never "retreats" in the sense of fleeing from the field of battle. They are calculated exposure programmes that are designed to bring us into closer contact and educate us about the social issues facing different parts of India (since none of us get that at our placements). So from the 24th-31st of January, we traveled all around the state of Andhra Pradesh with a group from the Sacramento Presbytery who are part of the Presbyterian Hunger Program's Joining Hands Against Hunger program. They were pretty cool people, and it was nice to be around other Americans. It was also funny to be around them and to get to have some template against which to see how "Indian" we've become. It was also nice to travel with them because it was obvious that they were being wooed by Chethana for more money, and thus we were being put up in some extremely luxurious hotels with air conditioning, TV, hot showers, swimming pools (never mind that they weren't filled), and room service, and being treated to gorgeous meals with complimentary wine and beer.
But this was also the cause of some discomfort for me. The whole thing smacked of a Chethana (and more specifically, a BIRDS) sales pitch. Chethana, the South Indian branch of Joining Hands Against Hunger, is a blanket organization that provides funding and support for the 19 organizations that fall under it. Achen is one of Chethana's chairpersons, along with Paul Rajarao and a dude named Jacob. Paul and Jacob are also the heads of BIRDS (Bharati Integrated Rural Development Society), one of the organizations in Chethana. So there's a bit of vested interest there. And it was they who were leading this programme and treating us to all these lavish luxuries.
During the day, we would visit different villages learning about the evil MNC's and corrupt governments depriving these noble poor people of land and livelihoods and then we'd hear about the heroic efforts of BIRDS to restore their dignity and teach them to fight for their rights. And then we'd get back in ou air conditioned SUV's and go back to our air conditioned hotels and eat until we couldn't see anymore, take a hot shower, and go to sleep in our big, soft beds.
Maybe I'm just feeling antagonistic, but something about the whole thing didn't, and still doesn't sit right with me. Maybe it's the fact that the struggles of the poor and oppressed are being put on display and being strategically deployed to raise money for these organizations. But when I think about it, is there really anything wrong with that? Chethana and BIRDS are doing some really great work, and surely they deserve support to keep that work going. And so what if Paul seems like a fast talking, charming salesman-- the kind of guy who would be selling you a used Chevy in another life? If those are the gifts he's been given, what's wrong with him using them to do this good work?
Maybe I'm just overly critical of others because I'm again at a point where I'm doubting the value of my work and presence here. Maybe it's that I think we should keep our left hand from knowing what our right is doing when we are serving and this all seemed a little ostentatious and self-aggrandizing to me. Maybe I'm just a crank who needs to find fault with everything. I don't know.
Regardless, something about our travels in AP just didn't sit right with me. I'm grateful for all the things we learned and for the opportunity to interact with people who are working to address the systemic inequalities and injustices endemic here. I just feel like there could have been a more... I don't know, genuine... way to do it.
posted by Andy at 8:15 AM
3 Comments:
...and who was paying for the hotels, meals and A/Ced SUVs? Donations to the program? If you are supposed to be passing on the good words about the good works to generate donations, they are not getting their money's worth from you. Were there noticable and worthy programs visible there? If so, you should write about them to raise our awareness of the problems and solutions so maybe some of us will send donations. But we need your eyes and ears and communication skills to get the need and solutions across to us who can donate! It is fine to be critical, but temper it with some reality...there is a need and every little bit helps. Is this a worthy program? Does it help? Are donations used to help those in need or are vast amounts squandered in 'administrative costs' or outright stolen? This is what we need you to do for us...give us a dispassionate analysis after you vent. Thanks for all the good work you are doing, whether you know it or not.
Dad
I guess everyone helps in different ways. What you're doing is a more direct, immersive way of addressing the socioeconomic problems of the world. Theirs is a different approach. Like you said, maybe they're just using what they've got. They might not have what it takes to send themselves among the pariah and work at the ground level. You're proving right now that you can do that, so you should. Maybe they can't, and they're helping the only way they know how.
And, you get a hot shower and fluffy bed out of it.
I get mad about the same things, but I'm not those people I judge, and I don't know where they're coming from or capable of, so I try to just be grateful they're doing anything at all.
Keep the faith, bro.
~D
anon,
there isn't a need that can't be served with resources available within india. yes, the poor in india need help, as do the poor everywhere else in the world, but i don't see how material support from outside can really help when it's quite evident that the govt of india (federal and state govts) actually waste more resources than the quantum of charity that comes in from outside.
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