Along The Same Lines As The Last Post
I've found myself doing, or thinking about, or clinging to a lot of American things, or a lot of things that are vestiges of my life in America. I read Runner's World (which gets sent to my folks and then they forward it to me) and sci-fi novels, listen to my music whenever I can, and catch myself daydreaming (a lot) about video games, movies, Lost, and electric guitar. I spend most of the workday screwing around on the computer and even manage to keep up to date with Penny Arcade and stay reasonably well-informed about what's happening in the World of Warcraft.
I tell myself that I do these things to keep myself sane- to remind me of who I am and to make myself feel closer to the people, places, and things that I love. But I know that's just rationalizing and that in reality, I'm clinging for comfort to the ways I identified myself (possibly my Self) in the US.
I guess I'm afraid of changing too much; of returning home a completely different person and finding that I've decimated the life I had begun to create for myself before I left. I had some really good things going for me that I'm scared to lose. So I persist in the interests and activities that I engaged in at home (or think about them and look them up on the internet when I can't actually do them) in the hopes that I can hang on to some of the person I was before I left. But in this setting, I feel really guilty about these activities and try to hide them like a Dirty Little Secret-- if someone shows up at my room, I'll quickly shove my iPod and recent issue of Runner's World under my pillow, like I just got caught looking at porn.
God forbid that anyone should know that I'm not perfectly well-adjusted here after a month and a half. I certainly can't have anyone know that I miss the Noise and Diversions (to say nothing of the people-- but this post is about the Stuff I miss.) of my life in America. I've been practicing Buddhist meditation off and on (mostly off) for two years- I should be totally free from the notion of a self, especially one defined by video games, sci-fi movies and novels, indie rock, hip hop, and metal. I should be perfectly comfortable with silence, solitude, and uncertainty and view distractions like TV, music, and video games with disdain, rather than thinking of them as iportant aspects of my Self.
I had to write all that out like that just so I could see how ridiculous my expectations of myself really are. So maybe it's not fair to expect perfection from myself. But, perfection aside for the moment, I feel like this clinging to these ways of identifying myself is really hindering my full entrance into and embracing of life here and could have a really negative impact on my experience. On the other hand though, I feel like I need the safety-net of these diversions and distractions sometimes. Any thoughts or suggestions?
I've found myself doing, or thinking about, or clinging to a lot of American things, or a lot of things that are vestiges of my life in America. I read Runner's World (which gets sent to my folks and then they forward it to me) and sci-fi novels, listen to my music whenever I can, and catch myself daydreaming (a lot) about video games, movies, Lost, and electric guitar. I spend most of the workday screwing around on the computer and even manage to keep up to date with Penny Arcade and stay reasonably well-informed about what's happening in the World of Warcraft.
I tell myself that I do these things to keep myself sane- to remind me of who I am and to make myself feel closer to the people, places, and things that I love. But I know that's just rationalizing and that in reality, I'm clinging for comfort to the ways I identified myself (possibly my Self) in the US.
I guess I'm afraid of changing too much; of returning home a completely different person and finding that I've decimated the life I had begun to create for myself before I left. I had some really good things going for me that I'm scared to lose. So I persist in the interests and activities that I engaged in at home (or think about them and look them up on the internet when I can't actually do them) in the hopes that I can hang on to some of the person I was before I left. But in this setting, I feel really guilty about these activities and try to hide them like a Dirty Little Secret-- if someone shows up at my room, I'll quickly shove my iPod and recent issue of Runner's World under my pillow, like I just got caught looking at porn.
God forbid that anyone should know that I'm not perfectly well-adjusted here after a month and a half. I certainly can't have anyone know that I miss the Noise and Diversions (to say nothing of the people-- but this post is about the Stuff I miss.) of my life in America. I've been practicing Buddhist meditation off and on (mostly off) for two years- I should be totally free from the notion of a self, especially one defined by video games, sci-fi movies and novels, indie rock, hip hop, and metal. I should be perfectly comfortable with silence, solitude, and uncertainty and view distractions like TV, music, and video games with disdain, rather than thinking of them as iportant aspects of my Self.
I had to write all that out like that just so I could see how ridiculous my expectations of myself really are. So maybe it's not fair to expect perfection from myself. But, perfection aside for the moment, I feel like this clinging to these ways of identifying myself is really hindering my full entrance into and embracing of life here and could have a really negative impact on my experience. On the other hand though, I feel like I need the safety-net of these diversions and distractions sometimes. Any thoughts or suggestions?
posted by Andy at 10:05 AM
2 Comments:
There is nothing wrong with you being who you are. No one, especially the Indian subcontinent, expects you to turn indian. You are there as a representative of the Presbyterian church of the USA, and your upbringing is middle class American. It is OK to be who and what you are. I don't think the Indians need or want more Indians. They want you to be American and learn from you about America and Christianity. Don't fight who you are.
It is fine to want to learn all you can about India, its culture, people, religions and food, but you will never be able to BE Indian. Enjoy who wou are and the gifts you have to give. It couldn't hurt, however, to learn the language. Why not impose on 'Alfred' to teach you?
Your Fadder
Andy, I want to reiterate what "Your Fadder" said. Absolutely do not be afraid to be who you are. Don't ever forget that one of the reasons - and a big one, too - that you have been sent to India is to share your gifts with the people of this country. Of course, you will have life-changing experiences while you are there this year, but you are still going to be Andy at the core when you return. Your values might change; your beliefs might be altered; your worldview will, perhaps, be skewed. But you will still be you. And you should be proud of that, both in India and in the USA.
Post a Comment
<< Home