Just Give It Time
... so it was kind of a rough weekend. If you look back at some of my previous posts, you'll see that I've set some pretty lofty goals for myself, for my year here, and for my life afterwards. I want to learn to be totally accepting of people and be willing to completely share my life with them, and be fully engaged in life here. I want to respond to the uncertainty of my life here with grace and humour. I want to always live the truth of love, peace, and compassion.
I know that I may never achieve these things in the duration of my time on earth, and I'm well aware that I'm certainly nowhere even close yet. Even so, I spent all weekend positively beating the hell out of myself for falling so short of these goals and aspirations.
For one thing, it's becoming clear that the "Honeymoon period" is over. There are (depending on who you ask) four or five distinct stages in the process of cultural adaptation (i have an irrational aversion to the phrase "culture shock"). The Honeymoon is the first period that apparently lasts just about a month where everything is exciting and new and you just love everything about your new culture. Eventually however, and this is where I am, you begin to feel isolated, alienated, and even threatened by the new culture. Things that you previously found endearing now start to be irritating, and you start to withdraw and isolate yourself. Whereas before, people were friendly and welcoming, you now begin to see them as hostile and unhelpful. This is all completely true of my perceptions now (i say "perceptions" because my experiences are not any different from what what was happening my first month here... simply my perception of them has changed). In September, I felt like a celebrity-- everybody pointed and stared and said "Hi" to me and wanted to talk to and find out all about me. These same situations now make me feel less like a celebrity and more like a sidewhow freak. This must be what it feels like to be a midget. Everybody points and stares and laughs and makes what i assume are disparaging comments about the saaiyp, and I start to feel really alienated and uncomfortable, and thus begin to isolate myself. And I know intellectually that this isn't the case; that it's just my perceptions and insecurities, that it's a textbook case of the second stage of cultural adaptation. But I made my Rules for Survival.... so I beat myself up for failing to adhere to them.
And then there's Alfred.
I'm trying really hard to learn and put into action the lessons I'm learning here about openness and relationships and all that good stuff, and I've been doing really well (for me). (I am capable of giving myself credit where it's due.) But I'm becoming more and more sure that Alfred has been placed in my path just to show me how far I still have to go and how much work I still have to do in this department. Alfred is a first-year student at the college who was basically stalking me for a couple of weeks there (he found out where i live without my ever telling him; he would watch me for days at a time until he figured out my schedule and would then strategically position himself so that we would "bump into" eachother). I laid down some really clear boundaries, but he still shows up from time to time. Whenever I decide that I really need a day to myself where I can just nap, read, write, play the guitar and listen to some tunes, Alfred is sure to show up, grinning, in my doorway, expecting me to go somewhere with him. And when I think I've gotten rid of him, he's sure to show up a couple of hours later asking why I didn't show up for a renedzvous I never agreed to.
And I get so mad at and am so rude to him-- I go out of my way to show him just how unwelcome he is at that particular juncture in time; I find every excuse to cut our conversations short; and on Saturday (one of the previously mentioned days-i-decided-i-needed-to-myself), I outright yelled at him when he showed up at my room for the third time that day (in my defence, I had been in the middle of a kick-ass nap when he rang my doorbell... you try being nice to someone who just woke you up!) This is definitely not Christian behaviour, and does certainly not adhere to the standards of warmth, love, and hospitality I want to learn to extend to all people.
I want to be loving, and I want to be kind, and I want to be open and generous with my time and space... but I want to do it on my terms and at the properly designated times. And Alfred is here to show me that that's not the way it works. And as soon as he's gone, that initial relief gives way to a torrent of guilt. I get really disappointed with myself at how far I've strayed from the principles that I want to let govern my life. And I know that no one is perfect and that we need to forgive ourselves when we eff up. I also know that everyone has that one person (heck, most people have a lot more than that...) who they absolutely can not handle. So I know it's not fair to beat myself up over this either.
I've just got to keep trying, keep Practicing, and pray for the grace to do better next time. And I've got to be willing to be patient and move in baby steps. Just give it time...
... so it was kind of a rough weekend. If you look back at some of my previous posts, you'll see that I've set some pretty lofty goals for myself, for my year here, and for my life afterwards. I want to learn to be totally accepting of people and be willing to completely share my life with them, and be fully engaged in life here. I want to respond to the uncertainty of my life here with grace and humour. I want to always live the truth of love, peace, and compassion.
I know that I may never achieve these things in the duration of my time on earth, and I'm well aware that I'm certainly nowhere even close yet. Even so, I spent all weekend positively beating the hell out of myself for falling so short of these goals and aspirations.
For one thing, it's becoming clear that the "Honeymoon period" is over. There are (depending on who you ask) four or five distinct stages in the process of cultural adaptation (i have an irrational aversion to the phrase "culture shock"). The Honeymoon is the first period that apparently lasts just about a month where everything is exciting and new and you just love everything about your new culture. Eventually however, and this is where I am, you begin to feel isolated, alienated, and even threatened by the new culture. Things that you previously found endearing now start to be irritating, and you start to withdraw and isolate yourself. Whereas before, people were friendly and welcoming, you now begin to see them as hostile and unhelpful. This is all completely true of my perceptions now (i say "perceptions" because my experiences are not any different from what what was happening my first month here... simply my perception of them has changed). In September, I felt like a celebrity-- everybody pointed and stared and said "Hi" to me and wanted to talk to and find out all about me. These same situations now make me feel less like a celebrity and more like a sidewhow freak. This must be what it feels like to be a midget. Everybody points and stares and laughs and makes what i assume are disparaging comments about the saaiyp, and I start to feel really alienated and uncomfortable, and thus begin to isolate myself. And I know intellectually that this isn't the case; that it's just my perceptions and insecurities, that it's a textbook case of the second stage of cultural adaptation. But I made my Rules for Survival.... so I beat myself up for failing to adhere to them.
And then there's Alfred.
I'm trying really hard to learn and put into action the lessons I'm learning here about openness and relationships and all that good stuff, and I've been doing really well (for me). (I am capable of giving myself credit where it's due.) But I'm becoming more and more sure that Alfred has been placed in my path just to show me how far I still have to go and how much work I still have to do in this department. Alfred is a first-year student at the college who was basically stalking me for a couple of weeks there (he found out where i live without my ever telling him; he would watch me for days at a time until he figured out my schedule and would then strategically position himself so that we would "bump into" eachother). I laid down some really clear boundaries, but he still shows up from time to time. Whenever I decide that I really need a day to myself where I can just nap, read, write, play the guitar and listen to some tunes, Alfred is sure to show up, grinning, in my doorway, expecting me to go somewhere with him. And when I think I've gotten rid of him, he's sure to show up a couple of hours later asking why I didn't show up for a renedzvous I never agreed to.
And I get so mad at and am so rude to him-- I go out of my way to show him just how unwelcome he is at that particular juncture in time; I find every excuse to cut our conversations short; and on Saturday (one of the previously mentioned days-i-decided-i-needed-to-myself), I outright yelled at him when he showed up at my room for the third time that day (in my defence, I had been in the middle of a kick-ass nap when he rang my doorbell... you try being nice to someone who just woke you up!) This is definitely not Christian behaviour, and does certainly not adhere to the standards of warmth, love, and hospitality I want to learn to extend to all people.
I want to be loving, and I want to be kind, and I want to be open and generous with my time and space... but I want to do it on my terms and at the properly designated times. And Alfred is here to show me that that's not the way it works. And as soon as he's gone, that initial relief gives way to a torrent of guilt. I get really disappointed with myself at how far I've strayed from the principles that I want to let govern my life. And I know that no one is perfect and that we need to forgive ourselves when we eff up. I also know that everyone has that one person (heck, most people have a lot more than that...) who they absolutely can not handle. So I know it's not fair to beat myself up over this either.
I've just got to keep trying, keep Practicing, and pray for the grace to do better next time. And I've got to be willing to be patient and move in baby steps. Just give it time...
posted by Andy at 9:59 AM
1 Comments:
On the sideshow freak topic, I'll try to give you a bit of advice from someone who spend a year and a half in an urban tundra with shorts and goofy socks...
There's no feeling worse than having people laugh in your presence, and not knowing why. The trick I found was to take pride in the things I did that set me apart. God made me weird, dammit, and I like who I am. And I know you like who you are, too. As much as you'll learn out there this year, maybe you can teach them a little about pride and self-respect.
~Dan
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